Today I find myself tired and impatient at the same time. Usually the two don't go together. But sometimes the frustrations and work get the best of me and I am worn out and looking for a healing nap. Ug!
So why do I even bring this up, why don't I just take a nap and get on with it. Am I whining? (Self-reflection: perhaps.)
What I think is tiring me these days is running up against the people who are pretending to know. Now, I'm no expert, and I don't put "expert" on any of my profiles, resumes or self-marketing materials, but I would be okay if *you* wanted to. (grin – or swami, that's cool too!)
The word that pops into my mind when I try and put a adjective around my current state of affairs is this: AVID. I think we're all familiar with "avid reader" and maybe the creatives in the house are familiar with AVID the video editing system, but I'm thinking of the word itself.
Pronunciation: \ˈa-vəd\
Function: adjective
Etymology: French or Latin; French avide, from Latin avidus, from avēre to desire, crave; akin to Welsh ewyllys desire, Old Irish con-oí he protects
Date: 1769
1 : desirous to the point of greed : urgently eager : greedy <avid for publicity>
2 : characterized by enthusiasm and vigorous pursuit <avid readers>
Dang! Without knowing it I pretty much nailed myself on that one. URGENTLY EAGER strikes a chord. I rub people the wrong way when I'm in this state. I'm eager, I'm cocky, I'm aggressive and most of all I am determined to win. The part that is harder for me to convey is: I am eager for YOU to win too. I want US to win.
So my desire sometimes gets the best of me. I am not apologizing for that. People who know me, know that if I am a bull in a china closet at least I KNOW I'M A BULL IN A CHINA CLOSET.
My mentor at Dell told me once, "The bull is fine in the china closet as long as he is aware of his surroundings. It is when he forgets where he is, or does not pay attention to the audience, that things can get messy. But the aware bull does not need to apologize for being strong and passionate. But it is better to be aware, listen, and not require apologies later."
But sometimes, as we all know, the bull is required in our lives. Bull-headed can be a bad quality if the bull is headed towards a misguided goal. However, bull-headed in terms of determination and continuous energy for success is a good thing. Another word I really like is tenacity.
I think of my Boston Terrier who will clamp down on a stick so hard that you can swing her around off the ground until your arms get tired. She does not tire. She will always go for the next thrown ball. She is not aware of the foam on her jowels as she brings the ball back for the 20th throw. All she knows is, LET'S DO THIS. Her eager intensity is about US. She is focused on my success as well as her own. Without ME she no longer gets to chase the ball. And her eyes betray her love for the chase. She will wait with shaking legs until I kick, throw or drop the ball.
So I will pause now. I will sit and examine my priorities rather than rush forward into battle.
I will maintain my avid attention. But I will give myself a moment to be quiet. No too long, less I grow lazy or timid. But I do need a rest. Most of all I want to remember that I want US to win. Just like my dog. I am eager, ready and willing.
So I can go win the tennis tournament tomorrow WITH my partner Stefan. I cannot play tennis alone. Even in singles another person is required. But also in tennis only one team, or one person, walks off court the winner. There is no consolation prize. In some ways its an epic duel, locked in a match of wills, strength, stamina and passion. Someone has to lose.
Win or lose I do my best to keep improving. As a James Blake says repeatedly in Breaking Back, "Getting Better" is the goal. Getting better is the journey. Both in tennis as in life as in relationships and parenting. I am fine with not getting it right, and I am fine with getting beat. What I don't like is unsportsmanlike conduct in the course of battle. And online I take offense at snipers, trolls and jerks. Forgive me, I try and return to awareness when I get angry. And sometimes it takes longer than I would like. But I am doing my best.
And as always I am continuously arriving at patience. Over and over again.
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According to TUAW (The Unofficial Apple Weblog) Steve Jobs railed at Adobe and Google at a company all hands meeting.
